Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
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Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having