My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
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I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
translated into Canadian
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?