Hilarious if literal: arms race
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Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Body by Oreos
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today