You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
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Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
This kinda thing happens to me often
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
#Caturday
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country