You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
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My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
We avoided this particular disaster
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Not today.. 😂
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!