Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
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This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.