interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
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One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK