me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
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MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Not really a humane solution in my opinion