you gotta be faster
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?