The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
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tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
😬
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Me when my alarm goes off