Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
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undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.