My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
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me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away