I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
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Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
“no gods no masters” = leo
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.