Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
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Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Expect the unexporcupine.
In case you needed to hear it:
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.