There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
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her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.