I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
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Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one