I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
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Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Can’t stop laughing
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.