I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
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Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
This is a bad sign
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday