I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
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My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
consequences, the bane of my existence
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
A French press is when you hug naked
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…