They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
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Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Good news
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
smartest karate player in the world
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.