Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
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I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”