the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
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I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
My blood type is b hungry.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
figuring out my emotional availability: