Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
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90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
My new favorite headline
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?