#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
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A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.