It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
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Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow