Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
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CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days