[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
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It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.