My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
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Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
United Steaks of America
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple