Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
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I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.