[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
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“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I hope this email finds you in a well
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.