The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
You Might Also Like
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
incredible text to wake up to
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
BaD BoY!!
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]