Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
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me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?