When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
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I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.