he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
You Might Also Like
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
The USS B port
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.