Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
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Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
My blood type is b hungry.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.