ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
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Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Oh no
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.