“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
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due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap