This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
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I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
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interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married