These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
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Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.