Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
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I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf