i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
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Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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