Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
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My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Shortcut
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.