“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
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I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*