[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
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Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.