It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
You Might Also Like
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
*launders Kohls cash*
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Facebook memories be like
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.