Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
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Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.