[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
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the last thing a carrot sees
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.