Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
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[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
my proudest tweet
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself