Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
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[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early