This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
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TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”